


Collector's Item. A flash drama, audio only

by TLara (larissabernstein)



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Absurd, Condoms, Crack, Established Relationship, Flash Fic, Humor, M/M, Old Married Couple, Sex Toys, Sexual Humor, Silly, Space Husbands, Star Trek merchandise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23785741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larissabernstein/pseuds/TLara
Summary: It really is one of a kind, befitting Starfleet's finest.Set in the original movie era (after Star Trek IV). Written many years ago, after I stumbled upon a most interesting Star Trek novelty item.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	Collector's Item. A flash drama, audio only

**Collector's Item. A flash drama, audio only**

_Night on the NCC-1701-A. The shared quarters of Captain James T. Kirk and First Officer Captain Spock. Guttural sounds can be heard from behind the divider._

"Spock!!! You are laughing!" _A statement of disbelief._

"I assure you, Sir, I am most certainly not." _An objection, spoken through lips and teeth tightly pressed together._

"Hell, don't deny it! You are... you are cracking up!" _An accusation._

"Captain, Vulcans are not capable of..." _A stifled chuckle._

"What the...? You are laughing in my face!!" _A huff._

"Definitely not. Not in your face." _An ill-suppressed snort._

"Oh. So you don't like what you see? Ah, I knew it would happen sooner or later... I grow old and you..." _A hint of sadness._

"Captain, it has nothing to do with your person." _A protest, tainted with more chortling._

"But — Spock, have you even looked at it really closely? It's the Enterprise, for God's sake! I've always looked good in our silver lady." _A hopeful attempt at persuasion._

"Ladies are not really what I wanted to think about tonight, Jim." _A snigger._

"And it glows in the dark! — Computer, lights down to 5%. — See?" _An effort of bringing in the big guns._

"..." _A fit of not-cackling._

"Computer, lights back to 50%. — Too late, I've seen your face, Spock, you've dabbed at tears!" _A tone of indignation._

"A logical and completely natural response to _this_ sight." _A half-hearted defence._

"Shall I turn off the lights again?" _A small concession._

"A useless exercise. As you were so keen on pointing out: It glows in the dark." _An upwards motion of two eyebrows._

"Yes, yes... it does. And how it does! A true beauty. And it was a real steal! A Starfleet Jubilee collectible in mint condition!" _A final try._

"Jim, please desist. I cannot take..." _A beat._ "Mint? It is... flavoured?" _A glimpse of sudden interest._

"Well, the description didn't say anything about... Ah, now you are interested, in some artificial flavour! And I thought you were interested in my body!" _A pout._

"Jim, you are not going to be jealous of a piece of rubber, are you? After all, it was your idea..." _A raised eyebrow._

"Actually, it was Scotty's idea. He saw the auction first and bought the whole box. You know how much he loves the Enterprise." _An awkward pause._

"I don't want to dwell too much on this particular thought." _A shudder._

"Neither does the captain of my rubber Enterprise." _A gaze downwards._

"Indeed." _Another gaze downwards._

(...)

(...)

"Spock?" _A sheepish grin._

"Jim?" _An inquisitive tilt of the head._

"You still interested in the catmint?" _A seductive smile._

"While I do not appreciate your repeated insistence on hinting at the possible but highly improbable feline roots of my people, I'd still be inclined to sample what is offered." _A slurping noise commences._

"That's the right spirit! Boldly going down on me, yesss. Ahead warp 4 and deep-thrusting... —"

"Jim?"

"...?"

"It glows in the dark, does it not?"

"Yes, but what...?"

"Then switch off the lights _and_ the audio transmission, please."

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by a special kind of (unofficial) Star Trek merchandise: _The Penetrator_ , a glow-in-the-dark novelty condom featuring the USS Enterprise ("To boldly glow where no one's gone before!" it said on the package.)  
> I've never seen it in person, or on-person (thank Heaven!), but stumbled upon a photo on the Internet, courtesy of Star Trek collector Ian McLean. See his original post [here](https://flic.kr/p/7yb5Ep). More information on this item can be found [here](http://www.reasonablyclever.com/bootlegtoys/photos/startrek/condom.htm). Apparently, it was made in England in 1998, for the US market. And it raises... so many questions.


End file.
